Fhenduedbdja

I had an appointment with my therapist yesterday and I just realized (once again) what an amazing person she actually is... My therapy will end on 12.12.2014 and the idea of not seeing her again makes me almost cry. I love her. I really do and I just can´t imagine a life without her anymore.
It´s not the therapy, it´s her... :(

I asked her to borrow me some vegan cookbooks and she brought them yesterday. And she just didn´t brought them...She gave me one as a present! I was so shocked, because I didn´t expected it...

What Else? I managed to do a wrong move and now I can't move my neck... That's the reason why I'm in bed till 2 days, unable to do anything but eat... 

Apropos eat: my dad had a serious conversation with me:"you are not eating enough! That's the reason why your muscles aren't working properly" and all this kind of shit. So I had to eat yesterday and today which SUCKS!!!! 

I hate myself for this and aaaargh I am so mad right now. 

I decided to start posting what I have eaten the whole day... I think it'll help me to get the "control" back 

Xxx S 

Fail

I failed yesterday and today! And it's clearly visible what these two days have done to my body! :( 

#currentmood

connections

I dont know what to say. what to write. 
I miss my discipline. 
I miss everything I used to be. 

I had a look on my old posts... Posts from 2011. 
3 years ago I was just 16. And I was so proud to report I had just a 100-cal-day. 
When I look in my diaries, there are calorie-notes and comments on bodies: 

22. 06. 2008 
"and sometimes I just want to close my eyes and lapse into a coma [...] 
I hate my body. There´s flesh everywhere. fat flesh. and more fat."

It is just so touching... It makes me sad to see, that a 13-year-old writes something like this. 
But at the same time it shows me, that ed was always a part of me. 

Everything is just so weird. so so weird. the people, the feeling, the circumstances. 
everything... I am weird. 

I just wanna go back to London. Everything´s better there. 
Everthing. Even my miserable self.  

Ground

I just feel bad. Really bad. I already had about 500 kcal and I am sitting in this room, totally twirly: laughing, smiling, joking... Everything's faked. Everything is empty. nothing feels real. 

I can't concentrate, I can't focus, I just want to go running. 

Running, totally out of breath, lungs are burning, muscles are aching... But when you reach that finish line you'll feel free and worthy. 

But I can't and probably won't:

There's a party after my classes. (F xxx FOOD!)

Then I have to go tutoring.... 

Plans

First of all: I am going to write my first exam tomorrow and I am so excited :/

I am not done studying yet but I really hope everything's going to be fine. 

Then there's that meeting tomorrow with a lot of people and I am really looking forward for that "event" because of F (that boy I was talking about) and all the other people... 

On Tuesday I'll be on my way to Munich to visit a very good friend. But only till Wednesday because of my Chinese classes -.- 

I have a very good relationship with my dad these days. He is much more easy going compared to my mom and he always does this little nice gestures! (Yesterday he bought me a fossil-watch just because I did him a favour *_*)

But my mom is really stressing out. She yelled at me a few days ago because I came home from college at 11 p.m. 3 days in a row... -.- 

And yeah. That's all for now. 

Luv y'all <3

All these feelings are so so weird.

"But I wonder where were you?

When I was at my worst

Down on my knees

And you said you had my back

So I wonder where were you?"

I could refer so much to this certain part of that song, but now it just makes me laugh. 

I have no explanation to this but it is so funny in a way...

Speaking of feelings... I have a new crush :o  

It is kind of a very complicated situations and I am STILL not sure how all this is gonna turn out. 

A few informations: 

• He is blonde and has blue eyes 
• I met him in one of those "meetings" organized by students
• He started studying his MA
• He is probably one of the smartest guys I have ever met. Like literally.   

Yes and then there is me, so you are probably gonna understand what makes everything so hard right? ;) 

I need to go to sleep now. 

XXX S