Don't ever think of recovery again

My day is just horrible. I just want to start cutting my arms until they're completely red. 

Fuck all people. Fuck this life. Fuck everything. Damn it!

But I wanna start right from the beginning before I get more into details. 

This day started ok. I have gained weight because of yesterday but I reckoned it so it was actually no big deal. 

I was watching Gilmore Girls and when Sookie cooked, I realised "food = life". That was the reason, why I ate actually quite a lot of food. 

But when my mom came, we started arguing and it got really ugly. And I mean really really ugly. 

She kept yelling at me and when I shouted back, she freaked out. 

Our argument lasted for at least 20 min and when I wanted to go outside she told me, that there are going to be serious consequences, if I leave the common meal. I hate everything!

Everything is going to change tomorrow. 

Day 4 - in pictures

Breakfast: 1 banana, 1 date, 10 baby carrots and 3 cucumber sticks (I couldn't eat all of them) 

Lunch: 2 cups of soup 

Dinner: Salad with a oven-pommes fritz  

Dessert: 3 chocolate covered vegan biscuits & 1 vegan ginger bread 

This day was such a disappointment, I can't even describe it in words. The only thing that comes in my mind is FAILED. 

Congrats :) 

My mom asked me today what I ate which is kinda odd because that's something she actually never does.

Unfortunately we started argueing when we came home, so everything is weird. 

I only had 2 cups of coffe today and I'm desperate to get a good cup of coffee but it's way too late to have one :( 

PLUS I couldn't workout today (and I have just burned 550 cals so far) so I'm a little afraid of gaining weight. 

I would describe my life as unstable right now. I have nobody to talk to (besides a few bloggers and Joe) and idk I feel like I actually want to die. Not in a depressive way. It's more like sleeping for a long time and see how things develop, so there's no need for me to actor think... 

But maybe it's just because of the university excitement idk 

Love all of you 

S

Day 3 - in pictures

Breakfast: this was actually just a part of it... I had this soy cappuccino and peep-soup but I forgot to take a photo :/

Lunch: I had 3 dried prunes, half-handfull peanuts, 0,5 cookie, 1 anise-drop & 2,5 tbsp of soy yogurt 

Dinner: I had abut 10 of these carrots & a few raisins 

I somehow hated this day because I had this feeling of being full all the time and at least I wished to have hunger --> eat and then get hungry again instead of this chaos of eating I did -.- 

But I worked out for about 60 mins, which is quite nice I guess... 

The plans for tomorrow: 

My mom wants me to go to a friend of hers and she will be baking tons of food... Man I'd really wish to have a completely successful day... But I'm making the decisions, right? 

XXX 

Day 2 - in pictures

Breakfast: 1 apple with cinnamon & coffee (I just ate the half of it) 

Lunch: veggie stock & 1 slice of vegan salami and 150 gr soy yogurt with 1 tsp peanut butter & coffe 

Dinner: I had to eat a little of the leek-rice-carrot-dish my mum made because she kept complaining about me not eating the dish though she was cooking vegan + a few grapes  

Today I was at a introducing-appointment. It was quite nice. There was this girl Antonia whom I talked a lot and maybe we will be in a few courses together. :) 

Tomorrow I'll be out with the girls for breakfast... I'm really hoping to find a fruit bowl because a) it's raw and b) I'd really like not to fail at this diet tomorrow...

Bye for now 

XXX

Day 1 - in pictures

Breakfast: 1 banana with 1 date & 20 craisins & 1 coffee

Lunch: 1 coffee & 125 gr of soy yogurt

 

Dinner: 1 vegan Falafel-Wrap & water 

This day unfortunately wasn't like I expected it to be but tomorrow is going to be better! :) 

I haven't done excercises but I walked for about 3 hours... 

Total calories burnt: 725 cals 

Good night lads 

See you tomorrow!

XXX 

Forget about all this shit

So what can I actually say? 

I had good phases of recovery & very bad relapses (about a thousand times...)
I have lost 10 kgs & as you can imagine this is not nearly as much as I actually want to loose..
I´ll start studying in August & one of my biggest fears is to be the fattest persons. I registered to a beginners-course, which is tomorrow. (Yey! SHIT HAPPENS!) 
Well... there is a second, 4-day-course, which airs on Sep, 29. 
countdown´s on ladies!


"MEAL PLAN": 

• VEGAN 
• RAWTILL 4
• NO FOOD AFTER 6 P.M. 
• JUST SOY YOGURT AFTER 4 P.M. 
• DRINK AT LEAST 4L A DAY 

"SPORTS PLAN": 

• 3 TIMES A WEEK BODYWEIGHT EXERCISES OR HIIT 
• RUNNING TWICE A WEEK
• YOGA ONCE A WEEK 

I will try my best to blog regularly. 

Loads of love 

Sofia