20 years of tears

Happy birthday little S. It's good to ... Whatever. 

Listening to this on a loop: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lCe2Q_1g93A

h.a.t.e.

I am pissed. This is probably the best sentence to explain how I feel atm.
I should be happy blabla bla but you know what?! I dont want to right now.
I am just angry. Angry at my parents for making stuff way too complicated.
Angry at myself for being so unorganized the last couple of weeks.
For being so messy, neglecting and kinda gross.
I am angry at myself for not working out. For being just a lazy B***

I do not eat right. Do not treat myself right. I do not do anything right.
And then I start stressing out 1 day before the deadline.
Stupid, Stupid me, never enhances. Y.E.Y. -.-

help?

my stomach feels soo wird since a couple of days... It might be because of the stress but idk.

one good thing about it, that I am trying to figure out if I´m full or just eating to finish the plate. 

one bad thing on the other hand is, that this feeling kind of triggers me. 

The exam today was an absolute mess. that made me so angry, that I came home, ate chips and chocolate... and purged. hate this roller coaster. It is like all this positive-thinking-shit has no worth as soon as I have on of these "dark" moments. 

I just realized that I am struggling a lot lately. There are "short but more periods" of disordered thinking. Of course I could take things a little more easy or relieve my schedule but that wont be the solution to the real problem. So I start considering to go to an encounter group... maybe after vacation or so. I will observe myself and probably start writing a diary again and then have a look on how it develops. I do not wanna get back. Too much time has passed with this illness. Too much have been sacrifised. When someone asks me about my teenage years, the first thing that comes to my mind is this fucking eating disorder. And my body - as strong as it might be - won´t take this forever. 

I am dizzy 24/7 no matter how much I eat or sleep, my stomach gets upset so easily and headaches are getting kinda normal. 

AND IT SHOULD NOT BE THIS WAY!

I am VEGAN! And I am not a vegan only for health issues. I am vegan for the environment, the animals, world hunger, clear water, for everything.
I am supposed to look and be happy to inspire others to think about a vegan lifestyle.

___________
Update: I wrote this a few days ago... On Thursday I guess.
Today is Saturday.

I feel like crap. Have not purged since then. But I do not exercise because I somehow have absolutely no energy and the way I eat got so weird.
I am eating till I feel sick (even though I am not hungry) because I am afraid of eating too less.
But at the same time everything I think about is eating less.
I am soo afraid that this is gonna turn out bad.
There is so much anxiety. So much disbelief. I do not believe in myself.
And I realized that I avoided the mirror since a few days.
Because I know I will not like what I see and I wont be able to look at myself and say that I like myself. Even smiling got so difficult.

I think the faster I get away from here, the more easier everything will get again.
Just one more week. Everything is gonna be ok. It has to :)

All my block seminars expired yesterday and I am so sad about this.
Especially the "aesthetic self education" seminar was so great!
There were so many cool people and everyone was so open minded and chilled. Many artists, a few older people with loads of life experience and of course there were a few very motivating and loud people too. Overall such a great bunch of people. I even got very close friends with a few of them.
Even the docent was amazing. He was really interested in our lives and what we think about certain things and what we have experienced ans whatsoever.


Yeah anyways. Its like I am so exhausted of this semester but at the same time I cant be really happy because I lose touch to some people. :(

Hospital

Hey you sweethearts <3

Oh god I feel so terrible.

I visited a friend in the hospital and omg I have never felt that horrible.

It was way too much to see her suffering, smelling that typical hospital smell and watch her bleeding over and over again.

I couldn't handle it, went to the visitor toilets crying, dizzy, totally and shaky.

I'm home now and just watching some bridal/wedding TV shows to get distracted. I'll probably make me some tea now to calm down. 

I really don't know what happened there but I think it was a combination of fear, nausea and misery. 

Sometimes it's so hard to understand what other people are going through. And I'm not talking about that "no one understands me"-thing. It's more like: there are so many people, little children, teenagers who spent a lot of time in hospitals due to an illness. 

And there's the normal person who doesn't appreciate any normality in his life. But there's so so so much we should be thankful and happy for. 

Forget school, uni, work, travelling or whatever. Just be happy for being. For breathing. For being able to hear, see, speak, taste, feel.

Appreciate life! Live in the present and never ever look back! 

#NEWS

Hey guys!
YEEEY! My "Horror"-Week is finally over!!!
So glad I survived this and we even got the results of the exams: I passed all exams and my grades are really good...Due to the quantity of the tests I was a little worried, if I´ll be able to pass them. So this makes me even more happy and proud. :)

As this is life, there are not only good news:
I failed my first seminar paper from last semester (I recently got the results)
I was sickly worried at the beginning, tbh. (Because if I fail again, I won´t be allowed to continue studying my major anywhere in Germany)
But I know I´m a good writer and lot of students told me, that there are a bunch of docents, who let you fail, to make sure you learn "academic writing" with all its rules and stuff.
So I am trying to see this as an opportunity to get better in writing, researching, explaining and citing!

Tomorrow is EID!!! So excited about that. It can´t believe how fast time flew by.
I mean Ramadan is already over and it feels so surreal to be able to eat and drink again whenever you want.
To be fully honest with you guys, I am a bit afraid of that.
I got my period today, so I ate and drank and it felt SO WEIRD.
Either physical and mental. Physical I had kind of a "acidic" feeling in my stomach (I assume it was the coffee + too many dates (10?12?)) and mental I recognized more anxiety.
Like: "Ok I have already had one meal, so I should eat less, otherwise I will gain weight" and that kind of thoughts. And this really upsets me and makes me angry.

Because I know all the facts: I am definitely not starving or anything, therefore I am not in the stage of "de novo lypogenesis" (Which basically means that you can´t build fat cells from eating too many carbs - except you are starving)* You know what that means?
>> STARCHES/CARBS WILL NOT MAKE YOU FAT! <<
So eat whatever the fuck you want and get healthy, lean, energetic and strong!
Despite that knowledge I was struggling today. But it´s probably normal in a way, because I have to change all my new habits again. So I´ll just have to look how this develops over the next weeks :)

I am gonna sleep now because I am sooo tired!

Sofia Ellen xxx

* if you are interested in this topic: watch this video on youtube or read "Starch Solution" by Dr. John McDougall

Schedule

heeey guuys :)

I am super happy right now! I slept a lot today, enjoyed the sun outside, showered with ice cold water on our lawn, read a bit of Dr. John McDougalls "Starch Solution" and did barely study (but its ok, I am genius, so no worries :D)

I am trying to enjoy this day as much as possible because I actually have so much stress going on:

• I had a massive row with my brother & now he hates me
• Due to technical problems I am not on "THE LIST" which tells me, where I am gonna write my exam on Wednesday
• As technical problems are very common: I do not know if I am signed in for the Arabic Oral exam (which is tomorrow)
• I was told that the 2. written Arabic Exam was advanced on 23.rd instead of 25.th -.-

What my Calender looks like:

M, 13/07: Arabic Oral Exam 

T, 14/07: Pedagogy Exam 

W, 15/07: Pedagogy Exam 

T, 16/07:

F, 17/07: full-day-seminar + Eid 

S, 18/07: full-day-seminar 

S, 19/07:

M, 20/07: full-day-seminar 

T, 21/07: 

W, 22/07: full-day-seminar 

T, 23/07: written Arabic Exam 

F, 24/07: full-day-seminar 

and after that I am finally free!!!!

keep your fingers crossed and wish me luck!

So now I should really start studying :)

There are actually soo many things I want to tell you guys (support system, starches do not make you fat, getting texted by old friends, meet-ups, marriage proposal, recipes and so much more but I´ll catch up on that later... probably in Wednesday) 

LOTS OF LOVE 

 

Congrats

I had an Arabic exam today and I ceded blank papers, because I didn't understand one word of the long text we had to translate. 

I have exams next Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and then I'll be finally through  it all. (Except Arabic, where I'll be tested  again at the end of July) 

There's so much to do and to study and I just feel like a half dead corpse. (I was invited to a birthday party yesterday and we were up till 4, slept till 7:30 and went to the exam at 9:30... So we could study for about 1,5 h :D) 

And my other days are not that unsimiliar, therefore i am tired 24/7... 

I'm eating way too much food because I'm always up so late, so I'm thinking of going on "potatoe Island"

they're yummy and filling and who doesn't like potatoes? 

The basic idea behind this is to nourish and cleanse your body instead of filling it with junk food. 

Healthier body = healthier mind = better exam results + happiness 

Good night everyone ❤️❤️❤️

XXX