Samstag, 25. Juli 2015


my stomach feels soo wird since a couple of days... It might be because of the stress but idk.
one good thing about it, that I am trying to figure out if I´m full or just eating to finish the plate. 
one bad thing on the other hand is, that this feeling kind of triggers me. 

The exam today was an absolute mess. that made me so angry, that I came home, ate chips and chocolate... and purged. hate this roller coaster. It is like all this positive-thinking-shit has no worth as soon as I have on of these "dark" moments. 

I just realized that I am struggling a lot lately. There are "short but more periods" of disordered thinking. Of course I could take things a little more easy or relieve my schedule but that wont be the solution to the real problem. So I start considering to go to an encounter group... maybe after vacation or so. I will observe myself and probably start writing a diary again and then have a look on how it develops. I do not wanna get back. Too much time has passed with this illness. Too much have been sacrifised. When someone asks me about my teenage years, the first thing that comes to my mind is this fucking eating disorder. And my body - as strong as it might be - won´t take this forever. 
I am dizzy 24/7 no matter how much I eat or sleep, my stomach gets upset so easily and headaches are getting kinda normal. 

I am VEGAN! And I am not a vegan only for health issues. I am vegan for the environment, the animals, world hunger, clear water, for everything.
I am supposed to look and be happy to inspire others to think about a vegan lifestyle.

Update: I wrote this a few days ago... On Thursday I guess.
Today is Saturday.

I feel like crap. Have not purged since then. But I do not exercise because I somehow have absolutely no energy and the way I eat got so weird.
I am eating till I feel sick (even though I am not hungry) because I am afraid of eating too less.
But at the same time everything I think about is eating less.
I am soo afraid that this is gonna turn out bad.
There is so much anxiety. So much disbelief. I do not believe in myself.
And I realized that I avoided the mirror since a few days.
Because I know I will not like what I see and I wont be able to look at myself and say that I like myself. Even smiling got so difficult.

I think the faster I get away from here, the more easier everything will get again.
Just one more week. Everything is gonna be ok. It has to :)

All my block seminars expired yesterday and I am so sad about this.
Especially the "aesthetic self education" seminar was so great!
There were so many cool people and everyone was so open minded and chilled. Many artists, a few older people with loads of life experience and of course there were a few very motivating and loud people too. Overall such a great bunch of people. I even got very close friends with a few of them.
Even the docent was amazing. He was really interested in our lives and what we think about certain things and what we have experienced ans whatsoever.

Yeah anyways. Its like I am so exhausted of this semester but at the same time I cant be really happy because I lose touch to some people. :(

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